Shannon Gonter 8/14/19 Shannon Gonter 8/14/19

What To Do If You Run Into Your Ex

No matter who is doing the breaking up, break ups are hard (like really hard). And the tough parts don’t end after the official break up conversation happens. It lingers, it follows us around. It is near impossible to break up with someone and not have them cross your mind again (downfall to memories is they don’t leave your brain when the person physically leaves your life). It could be as simple as seeing or hearing things that remind you of your ex-partner for just a brief moment. Hard skill to learn, but a must do after a break up is to learn the appropriate coping skills to use to not allow those reminders of your ex derail your day.

It could be as simple as seeing or hearing things that remind you of your ex-partner for just a brief moment. Running into your ex doesn’t just have to be in thoughts and memories, it could also be in the form of physically having to cross paths with them. Maybe you have mutual friends, go to the same school, or live in the same city, therefore having a higher potential of running into them face to face after the break up.

Hard skill to learn, but a must do after a break up is to learn the appropriate coping skills (that work for you) to not allow those reminders of your ex to derail your entire day.

Uh. Did I just hear you all say, “yeah, no thank you, I’m going to avoid my ex like the plague”?

I get it. I’m right there with you, no one wants to run into their ex (especially unplanned) but remember that we cannot control the actions of others, and we definitely cannot alter our entire life schedule so drastically just to avoid confrontation with one person.

What we can do though is plan (if you know me at all, you know that planning is my best friend).

Below we will uncover 6 steps you can take to handle the uncomfortable situation of running into your ex with as much grace as possible and keeping yourself safe in the process.

1. Consider the circumstances and react accordingly.

Take into consideration how your relationship ended. Was it on neutral terms? Was there unhealthy dynamics between the two of you? Emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse? Take some time to think back to this time and react accordingly to the situation at hand.

Let’s say you are walking into TacoTaco for lunch and from the sidewalk looking through the window you see your ex standing in line. You could 1) walk in and get your lunch and if you happen to make eye contact with them smile or have some small talk 2) wait outside for a few minutes till your ex is out of line and then go in 3) not get your lunch there today, and go somewhere else.

Those that ended on more neutral grounds, options #1 or #2 would be a good fit for you.

For those that ended on not so hot terms or there was safety concerns within the relationship, option #3 might be a good one for you (sorry no tacos today but sometimes you have to remember that in order to keep yourself safe you may need to avoid contact with this person altogether).

2. Accept that this may happen again.

Dependent on the size of your city, or if your run with the same crowd, you may run into your ex again. Prepare yourself for this, and put the work in to get yourself to a space where you can be comfortable with this possibility and not have to completely alter where you go and who you hang out with in order to avoid seeing your ex. If you still have feelings for your ex and find yourself getting emotional even thinking about them, this is a sign that 1) normal and 2) you are needing to spend a little bit more time grieving the loss of the relationship and doing some self-care and exploration either alone, or with a trained professional.

3. Know that you’re not obligated to catch up.

Remember that you are broken up. You do not have an obligation to catch up and act “normal” if you run into your ex. If you run into your ex and aren’t in the emotional space to talk or just don’t want to, then let them know that you are super busy right now and have a lot going on.

Do- “Nice to see you, wish we could catch up, but I actually have a lot on my plate today to get done. Let’s talk later.

Don’t- “I’m really busy right now and don’t have a lot of time and honestly don’t want to waste time talking to you (eye roll)”.

4. Stick to your guns.

If you run into each other, or don’t, if you talk to each other or avoid each other. Either way, your ex will be in your head at some point and time. Don’t let yourself waiver on what you know is right for you just because during a run in with your ex he/she said, “you look good”. After a comment like that, emotions will be brought up (no matter how much you try to push them down) but take some deep breaths and try your hardest to bring yourself back to a space where you can refocus your attention back on yourself and your goals.

5. Don’t put on a show.

Be true to yourself and your feelings. Though it can be tempting to act as if and want to throw it in your exes face that you don’t need them, and that you’re better off without them. Sometimes that’s not the case, and it is normal to go through a grieving process after the loss of a relationship. Give yourself the space needed to wrap your head, heart and body around this transition.

6. Stick to your normal routine.

Do what you normally do. If you usually go to the gym in the morning, keeping going in the morning, if you usually go to trivia on Wednesdays, keep going on Wednesdays. During this tough transition, sometimes people find comfort in their routine. No need to completely shift your schedule out of fear of running into your ex.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC

Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY

I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.

The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.

Shannon Gonter 7/24/19 Shannon Gonter 7/24/19

10 Ways To Tell That You Are Stressed AF With Wedding Planning & What To Do About It

If you find yourself stressed AF at times throughout your planning process, it’s totally okay (and so normal). But if you feel like you’re starting to drown in uncharted waters that have become your wedding plans, you might want to slow down and take a breather.

So how do you know the difference between normal wedding stress and stressed AF stress?

And what do you do if you realize that you are nearing or at the stressed AF spot?

We all know planning any event, let alone your wedding, isn’t going to be stress free. And I’m not trying to get you to a space where you feel light as a feather and don’t have a care in the world. Because you should have some cares (I mean it’s your wedding) and it’s completely normal to feel varying levels of stress during the months of planning for you and your partners big day. But when you start feeling bogged down or notice you’re not enjoying the process anymore, you need to take a moment to reevaluate what’s going down.

Below I will break down the top 10 signs to look out for that your stressed AF and various coping skills that you can implement to push you back into the “normal” wedding stress waters.

1. You are no longer enjoying the process of wedding planning.

Remember how excited you were before you got engaged? Planning and thinking about how great it’s going to be to plan your wedding together. Remember the day when you got engaged and how amazing that moment was? Now take some time and look at how planning is trucking along for you now. Are you still in that same excited state or do you feel like you are so consumed with pleasing everyone else? If you answered yes to the latter, maybe it’s time to take a step back and clear your head so you can remember more clearly those fond memories. Also, to take note that this is also a time to start creating new memories and to not have this time remembered as stressful, or even painfully emotional.

2. You are procrastinating a ton on all things wedding.

Procrastination for wedding planning looks a bit different than what procrastination in high school looked like. Unlike the way procrastination plays out in school where you might be able to piece together a last-minute paper that receives a passing grade, most people don’t want to memories of their wedding to be barely stitched together. In order to address the putting off all things wedding, you need to delegate wedding planning tasks and keep the planning moving forward.

3. You are constantly sick.

Stress is a sneaky son of a gun and can show up in our lives in several different ways. Some of the most common are: headaches, stomach aches, muscle pain or tension, low energy, reduced sex drive, grinding teeth, insomnia, chest pain and nervousness. If you notice these symptoms being a constant in your life, this is a way your body is telling you that it is time to destress.

4. Eloping doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.

If you have decided to elope in the first place, good for you! How fantastic. But if you are in the middle of planning your wedding ceremony and reception and are considering throwing the entire thing off to go to city hall because you fear going insane if you don’t. It is time to chill out. You are in the danger zone and need to channel your original idea and get excited for your wedding again!

5. Planning is taking over your life and it’s all you ever talk about.

If you have stopped doing things that you love and that make you happy, it is time to dial things back a bit the best way to address this is to realize that wedding planning needs to fit into your life, not the other way around.

6. You have set unrealistic expectations for the big day.

We all know that nothing in this world is perfect (and yes that includes your wedding). So, with that knowledge, instead of aiming for perfection, try shooting for excellence. This shift in thought may assist in helping you to relax and soften your expectations.

7. You and your fiancé are constantly fighting.

If you and your fiancé are bickering back and forth more so than positive exchanges, this might be a sign your both stressed AF. The reset button is needed to be pushed (stat). Schedule a date night where wedding planning talk is completely off the table and just spend this time enjoying each other’s company and remembering why you are getting married.

8. You are trying to do it all, alone.

If you have a wedding planner, great. Remember that you are paying them to assist in planning your wedding, so let them do their job. Not saying you need to hire a wedding planner, not everyone needs them and that’s totally fine. But you shouldn’t be the only one steering the ship when it comes to the big day. Focus on the items that excite you and delegate the rest to your partner, parents, friends, and family. You won’t regret it!

9. You are falling back into unhealthy behaviors.

Find yourself drinking too much? Smoking again? Not working out? Having negative thoughts? This often happens when you are at the end of your rope. Get help fast and don’t let yourself fall back onto your maladaptive coping skills. Suggestion to lean on your friends and family for support, find a motivating workout buddy, or seek assistance from a professional therapist.

10. You are constantly annoyed by everyone around you.

Notice that you are on edge each time someone brings up your wedding? Can’t seem to relax when others around you give their 2 cents about the dos and don’ts of weddings? Two big signs that you are way too stressed and are needing to refocus your thoughts. Try to focus on why you are getting married in the first place and look at it from a broader scope and not hyper focused on every single, minute detail.

If you are aligning with more than one of these warning signs, keep reading (and if you aren’t, keep reading too because errybody could use some more self-care in their lives)!

How To Take Care Of Yourself During This Naturally Stressful Time

Meditate

Download a mindfulness app, or go to YouTube to find a recorded meditation to follow. Mindfulness can do wonders for the mind, body and soul.

Consider softening scents

Lavender, jasmine, chamomile, and basil have great soothing powers. Dab some essential oil onto your wrists to shift your mood quickly or use a scented candle or brew a floral tea.

Adopt a mantra

I will listen to my partners opinions.

I will forgive.

I will understand that the world doesn’t revolve around my wedding.

I will remember what this day is about.

I will not feed into the drama.

I will stay positive.

I will take care of myself.

I will be gracious.

Allow yourself to be nervous

Fear often accompanies pre-wedding excitement and joy. Its normal, healthy even, to question this lifetime commitment and just because you have concerns, doesn’t mean you don’t want to get married.

Jot down your feelings

Journal about the experience. This is a safe and accessible way for you to express the emotions you’ve kept bottled up.

Don’t be afraid to delegate

You can’t do it all on your own (though you are quite super). Enlist your friends and family to help during the planning stage and for day of preparation.

Pamper yourself

Treat yo self. Go get a pedi or mani, take a long hot bath, get a massage or a facial and think about keeping that balance in your life.

Take care of yourself

Exercise has positive emotional and psychological effects. Go out for a walk or run, dance around your kitchen, or go to a workout class. Any type of physical movement will help produce more uplifting and stress stabilizing endorphins.

Stay connected with your fiancé

If you have any concerns about your upcoming nuptials (it’s okay), find the courage to tell your partner. Some say that if you two can weather the storms of your engagement anxiety together, it bodes well for the rest of your marriage.

Written by: Shannon Gonter LPCC, NCC

Shannon Gonter 6/12/19 Shannon Gonter 6/12/19

Yep. Its summer again.

Schools letting out, graduations are happening, more daylight is here and maybe even time for a vacation or two. Lots of exciting things happening…

Now most of you are probably like “heck yes, finally I love the warm weather” and then the other half of you are out there like “wait, wtf why do I still have to be at work when it’s so nice out”. Uh reality. I know, it sucks sometimes. Now, we can usually alter our schedules a little and maybe take off a little early on a Friday and go to the park and enjoy the weather or use some of our time off to take a vacation to the beach. But we don’t always have control of how our bodies naturally adjust to the season changes.

So much good can come with seasonal changes, and maybe you are one of the lucky ones who transitions smoothly, and if so, rock that out and enjoy every moment of finding your perfect summer work – life balance. But for those who struggle every couple months when the seasons change, and can identify with how frustrating these times can be, keep reading.

The transition may be frustrating because you feel a change in your emotions or overall mood, and don’t know why. I have a lot of clients express a dip in their emotions during seasonal changes, but I also have clients who express an elevated mood and feelings of spontaneity during the summer. Though this boost can be refreshing after the dark of winter and the rain of spring, it can also be difficult because you are SO eager to get outdoors and stay out to enjoy ALL the activities and soak up ALL the sun.

But reality check, you can’t do it all, you’ve got to prioritize!

Here are some tips that might help you adjust to the “boost” summer might bring and how to maintain some balance in your day to day.

Sleep

Over the coming weeks, take note of your sleeping patterns and ask yourself: Am I sleeping more than usual? Less than usual? Am I napping and usually don’t? Am I feeling like I can go without sleep some nights in order to not miss out on the summer nights activities? Dependent on your answers, maybe you need to find more balance within your sleeping habits. It is important to note that if you wear yourself out in June, you might not be able to partake in the end of summer festivities as you originally planned. Our bodies have quite the memories and with age they don’t recuperate as nicely as they did in our younger years. This leaves you feeling drained and therefore less present and effective in your day to day life.

Drink

Drinking should always be a thing, all four seasons of the year, all day, erryday. An importance to drinking more during seasonal transitions though is that your body can adjust more quickly to heat and activity when you are well hydrated. This should go without saying, but I’m not talking about drinking more coffee here, or more beer, or more soda. I am talking about water, drink more water! If you are into drinking caffeinated drinks or alcohol, then even more reason to drink more water (after your beverage of choice of course).

I’m no cop, and I’m not here to tell you to stop drinking alcohol, to track the number of drinks you have or to change your relationship with alcohol. I am here to question and bring awareness to how your alcoholic intake might change with the seasons. Do you notice any changes during the summer with how much you drink? Where are you drinking? Are you drinking on the weekdays? Just on the weekends? Are you drinking alone? Socially? Just take some moments and answer these questions and truly evaluate if the answers align with your summer goals.

Exercise

Be creative with this one. I mean if you have a gym membership, by all means go there to get your sweat on! We all know how pricey those can be and don’t want you wasting your money. But maybe on your days off get outside and relieve some stress through different activities. Some examples are to go for a hike, play some volleyball, or rent a kayak. These can be great physical workouts to do alone, or with a group, as well as something that you can’t do year-round (like going to the gym) so try switching it up and see how you like it.

Bring your focus this summer into maintaining more balance, loving yourself, and relying on your community for nurturing and support.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC

Shannon Gonter 4/8/19 Shannon Gonter 4/8/19

5 Things To Check In On This Spring

Along with the brighter days, fresh flowers and upcoming outdoor activities comes a period of transition for you and your health.

Be gentle with yourself

If you’ve been less active this winter season and fully embraced your hibernation, go you! Your body appreciates the resting time, but now it’s time to get back out there and smell the flowers (literally). Though it is time to come out of hibernation, remember to take it slow and listen to your body. It can sometimes be difficult to withhold yourself when you’ve been cooped up for so long but just try. Refrain from jumping right in and doing a marathon week one into spring. You need to get your body and muscles used to the warmer weather, more movement and conditioning (then go run your marathon)!

Throughout the early spring season keep an eye out on the following…

Eat in season

There is a deeper reason as to why certain foods are stocked on the Kroger shelves at varying times of the year. There are wise things to be said about eating for the season you are in. Foods that are currently growing have a direct connection to the needs of our bodies. For example, in the winter we usually eat more (or see more in Kroger) root vegetables and squashes, that are high in Vitamin D, to make up for the lack of sun we are receiving. In spring we eat (or walk by in Kroger) a lot of leafy greens, fruits, and raw vegetables that are full of antioxidants and provide us with a cleanse and tons of energy for the higher levels of physical activity that spring brings. So if you are typically one of the ones who walks by the seasonal foods in Kroger, maybe switch it up and try a bell pepper and hummus, or a leafy green salad for lunch this spring season.

Your drinking habits

Bearing the pain

Allergies. We all know them, and we all hate them. To try and get ahead of the pollen and mold that spring brings, wash your hands and clothing after being outdoors and keep an eye on the pollen count. Suggested to stay indoors and keep windows shut when levels are high and to use a dehumidifier in areas that often get moist.

Also, changes in the air pressure, temperature and humidity levels often lead to heightened pain levels for those with joint and nerve pain. Certain foods and supplements may assist in making the pain more tolerable, but it is suggested that you contact your physician for further consult.

Check your mood

Though Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is commonly connected to fall and winter, it can also show up in spring and summer and often goes unnoticed because “you should be happy it is getting sunnier outside” or “you should just go for a walk now that its warmer and you’ll feel better”. Some things to be on the lookout for are high levels of anxiety, sleeplessness, exhaustion, agitation, changes in energy levels, feelings of worthlessness and deep sadness, and lack of appetite. Unfortunately, sunnier days and the ability to go for a walk outdoors aren’t always going to lessen these symptoms. Therefore, if you notice these symptoms please reach out to a mental health or medical professional for assistance.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC