The internal and external pressure
to do it right or bust is pervasive in our world. Though certain parts of us know that perfection is not attainable - it is hard to not let all that we see on social media, movies, and more shape our expectations and realities. Society has normalized striving for perfection in so many ways - and it is damaging to us all. The messaging we get from all around blurs the boundaries between achievement and perfectionism - making it difficult to navigate and understand our relationship to them.
People often think perfectionist and achievers are one in the same - but there is actually quite a difference. Motivation and satisfaction being two of the biggest. Perfectionist are often driven by fear of failure and often find it difficult to take pride in any of their achievements (regardless of the outcome). Whereas - achievers have drive to meet their goals and usually enjoy the journey as much as the outcome and are able to view their mistakes as learning opportunities. Knowing the difference between the two can assist us in understanding our thoughts, behaviors, and sensations a bit better - no longer keeping us stuck in our same patterns.
HOW perfectionistic thinking SHOWS UP IN YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE…
FEAR OF FAILURE
You often stay in your lane and stick to what you know.
LOW SET ESTEEM
You are self critical and have difficulties celebrating your successes.
UNREALISTIC STANDARDS
Having very high standards for you and everyone else in all aspects of your life.
ALL OR NOTHING THINKING
Rigid thought pattern with little room for “gray area” and deviation on what is accepted.
CRITICAL EYE
Have a difficult time pointing out the “positives” of something.
NEVER FULly COMPLETING TASKS
If you never complete the task then it cannot be criticized by you or others. So you leave most things you do in the pending status - 90% done - to protect yourself from judgement.
“PUSH” VS “PULL” MENTALITY
High achievers may be pulled to their goals by a desire to achieve, but perfectionist are pushed to their goals by a fear of not reaching them.
RESULTS FOCUSED
Often have tunnel vision and cannot see anything else but the goal to be reached.
DEFENSIVENESS
Often is defensive in response to comments and suggestions from others and do not take them as constructive criticism (because if you were perfect others wouldn’t have to comment, suggest or recommend things to you).
PROCRASTINATION
The fear of failure will often immobilize perfectionist from even starting a task often making it hard to start projects or complete tasks on time.
UNMET GOALS = BREAKDOWN
Do not bounce back quickly when goals are not met. Often beat self up.
How you can Explore it by yourself…
Understand that you have perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors not because you want to be “perfect” but because these thoughts and expectations are protecting you from something - feeling less than, failing, giving up, criticalness, etc.- and that it is okay that these systems are in place because you don’t want to hurt or suffer.
But that it does not have to be that way forever- there are other options. Find peace within yourself, create experiences for heightened self compassion, learn to say “no” respectfully, create space to grow, remind yourself that failure is a learning experience, stop being a puppet and let go of the multitask approach…
But if it makes you cringe to even think about the above items, or you just cannot even picture what your life would look like if you didn’t do all that you do…maybe counseling can assist…
How I can help…
Do you worry a lot? Judge others and yourself harshly? Feel like you can’t turn your brain off? Have difficulty being present when hanging out with your friends?
When subscribed to the idea that perfection is the goal and only option, people often lead their lives in fear of failure and can experience mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, stress, and overwhelm among others.
Do not fear - we will not strip away all your doer energy and leave you to fight off the daily to dos and demands all alone. While in or after counseling - you can still achieve and do - but picture doing it with less heaviness/fear/pressure/intensity attached to it.
In counseling with me - we will explore your past and current thoughts, feelings and experiences to see its impact on your current emotional, cognitive and behavioral patterns surrounding these perfectionistic pressures. We will meet that energy with curiosity to learn more about why it does what it does and connect to it in a different way. Hopefully allowing you to find a new way to protect yourself in a way that allows you to be healthy and happy and not restricted by the unachievable ideals of perfection.
Other specializations: emotional suppression, perfectionism, and expectations
