Becoming a parent changes everything—your priorities, your routines, and often your sense of self. It’s easy to feel like you’ve been pushed to the bottom of your own priority list, or maybe even entirely off it. If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. This post isn’t here to pile on guilt or give you a laundry list of self-care tips (those are available elsewhere). Instead, I want to invite you to pause, reflect, and get curious about the concept of putting yourself first.
What Comes Up When You Hear “Put Yourself First”?
Take a moment to notice your initial reaction to the idea. Does it feel selfish? Reckless? Impossible? For many parents, the thought triggers feelings of guilt or shame. After all, you’re caring for a small human who relies on you for nearly everything. But this isn’t about ignoring your children. It’s about asking questions like:
Where am I on my own priority list right now?
How do I feel about that?
Has this always been my pattern, or is it something new since becoming a parent?
Patterns and Roots: Before and After Parenting
Reflecting on whether this dynamic existed before you had kids can be enlightening. If you’ve always struggled to prioritize yourself, it might point to deeper roots—cultural norms, upbringing, or socialization. On the other hand, if parenthood introduced this shift, that’s valuable to understand too. Recognizing the origin of these feelings can help you approach them with more clarity and compassion.
The Rules We Live By
Society gives us mixed messages about self-prioritization. Moms are often praised for selflessness and dads for “stepping up” as providers or partners. But what about the other parts of your identity? When was the last time you did something just for you—not as a parent, partner, or worker, but as the individual you were before these roles became primary?
Survival vs. Living
Parenting often feels like survival mode: juggling tasks, attending appointments, managing schedules. But surviving isn’t the same as living. Thriving as a parent means finding ways to care for yourself—not just so you can keep going but so you can fully show up for your kids and partner with energy and joy.
That overused metaphor about putting on your own oxygen mask first? It’s true. If you’re running on empty, it’s hard to pour into others. And while thriving might feel like a tall order right now, even small steps can make a big difference.
Start Small: Five Minutes for You
Carving out time for yourself doesn’t have to be monumental. Start with five minutes a day. Use that time to:
Reflect on your thoughts and experiences.
Do something that makes you smile.
Engage in an activity you’ve always loved but haven’t had time for.
Simply pause and breathe.
An Invitation to Curiosity
Before you finish this post, I encourage you to think about these questions:
How do I feel about putting myself first?
What stops me from doing so?
What would it look like to move myself higher on my priority list, even for a moment?
What example do I want to set for my children about self-care and self-respect?
Parenting will always demand a lot of you, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in the process. By giving yourself permission to prioritize your needs, you’re not just helping yourself—you’re modeling for your kids what it looks like to live a balanced, fulfilling life.
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working with individuals aged 18-35. Some presenting concerns that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others. I am trained to help you become more aware of your emotional responses to these challenges and help you recognize problematic relational patterns and new ways to cope. This awareness will create new opportunities for learning more adaptive ways of relating to others and coping with life’s stressors.
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