Now That You’re a Parent: How Do You Feel About Putting Yourself First?
Parenthood often shifts how we prioritize ourselves, making self-care feel impossible or even selfish. This blog encourages parents to reflect on these changes, explore pre-existing patterns, and challenge societal messages about putting themselves first. By carving out small moments daily to recharge and thrive, parents can better care for their families while honoring their own well-being.
Becoming a parent changes everything—your priorities, your routines, and often your sense of self. It’s easy to feel like you’ve been pushed to the bottom of your own priority list, or maybe even entirely off it. If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. This post isn’t here to pile on guilt or give you a laundry list of self-care tips (those are available elsewhere). Instead, I want to invite you to pause, reflect, and get curious about the concept of putting yourself first.
What Comes Up When You Hear “Put Yourself First”?
Take a moment to notice your initial reaction to the idea. Does it feel selfish? Reckless? Impossible? For many parents, the thought triggers feelings of guilt or shame. After all, you’re caring for a small human who relies on you for nearly everything. But this isn’t about ignoring your children. It’s about asking questions like:
Where am I on my own priority list right now?
How do I feel about that?
Has this always been my pattern, or is it something new since becoming a parent?
Patterns and Roots: Before and After Parenting
Reflecting on whether this dynamic existed before you had kids can be enlightening. If you’ve always struggled to prioritize yourself, it might point to deeper roots—cultural norms, upbringing, or socialization. On the other hand, if parenthood introduced this shift, that’s valuable to understand too. Recognizing the origin of these feelings can help you approach them with more clarity and compassion.
The Rules We Live By
Society gives us mixed messages about self-prioritization. Moms are often praised for selflessness and dads for “stepping up” as providers or partners. But what about the other parts of your identity? When was the last time you did something just for you—not as a parent, partner, or worker, but as the individual you were before these roles became primary?
Survival vs. Living
Parenting often feels like survival mode: juggling tasks, attending appointments, managing schedules. But surviving isn’t the same as living. Thriving as a parent means finding ways to care for yourself—not just so you can keep going but so you can fully show up for your kids and partner with energy and joy.
That overused metaphor about putting on your own oxygen mask first? It’s true. If you’re running on empty, it’s hard to pour into others. And while thriving might feel like a tall order right now, even small steps can make a big difference.
Start Small: Five Minutes for You
Carving out time for yourself doesn’t have to be monumental. Start with five minutes a day. Use that time to:
Reflect on your thoughts and experiences.
Do something that makes you smile.
Engage in an activity you’ve always loved but haven’t had time for.
Simply pause and breathe.
An Invitation to Curiosity
Before you finish this post, I encourage you to think about these questions:
How do I feel about putting myself first?
What stops me from doing so?
What would it look like to move myself higher on my priority list, even for a moment?
What example do I want to set for my children about self-care and self-respect?
Parenting will always demand a lot of you, but that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in the process. By giving yourself permission to prioritize your needs, you’re not just helping yourself—you’re modeling for your kids what it looks like to live a balanced, fulfilling life.
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working with individuals aged 18-35. Some presenting concerns that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others. I am trained to help you become more aware of your emotional responses to these challenges and help you recognize problematic relational patterns and new ways to cope. This awareness will create new opportunities for learning more adaptive ways of relating to others and coping with life’s stressors.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Therapy and advice giving
A lot of people want their counselor to tell them what to do - but that is not what mental health counseling is all about. Therapists are not here to tell you what to do with your life - but more so here to assist you in finding the answers to your own questions inside.
So often during my free 15 minute consultation calls - that I do with prospective clients - so many individuals say that they want “someone to tell them what to do”, “they want someone to listen to them and give them non-judgmental advice on their life”.
I always make sure to listen and understand what these prospective clients are saying - while at the same time making sure that I am clear and upfront that I do not give my clients direct advice and will not tell them what to do with their lives.
I am not sure because I am not listening in on other therapists consultation calls but I don't think many counselors or therapist do this during the consultation call but I do because I think it's important for prospective clients to understand that therapist and counselors are not here to give advice and tell people what to do with their lives - but are here to support people in understanding their internal world better and creating some clarity so it is easier for them to make the decisions on their own.
Those professionals that don't correct the prospective clients during the call aren't doing anything wrong. I think they are just hoping that that individual comes into session continues in therapy and understands through the process that the therapeutic relationship is not designed around advice giving and that it’s created and maintained around a non-judgmental trained professional assisting the client in finding the answers within themselves.
Quite honestly who am I to give my clients - let alone anyone - advice on their life. I am a human with all sorts of thoughts, feelings and sensations going on in my life and if I were to give advice to a client - it would be coming from some part of me and not the spot inside of me that is genuinely curious about my clients experience and wants to understand what it is like for them to be them.
Now that doesn’t mean if I did give my clients “advice” it would cause harm to them or be coming from some “bad” space inside of me. Likely it would be coming from a super loving and caregiving side of me that wants the best for my client. But the issue with this is I can only give advice from my lens and my lens is not the same as my clients and therefore throwing my lens onto them could not be what they need. Nor will it help them in the future when I am not there to “tell them what to do”.
I spend an hour with my clients every week or every other week for a couple months or years. Either way I do not know them as well as they know themselves - therefore leaving them the best people to make decisions for their day or day lives.
With that being said - I and other counselors who work from this framework are not just passively sitting in the room and listening to our clients talk.
What I see to be a better fit for long term success for all is for me to focus on me and my parts and for the client to focus on themselves. What this looks like is me being very aware of all parts of me (thoughts, feelings and sensations I am having in response to what my client is sharing with me) and who is online in my head (caretaker, educator, professional, etc). Again this is a very important part of the process because if I am not focused and aware of “who is online in my head” my caretaker or my educator could be leading the entire session and this is not always the best for clients. To ensure that I am remaining as curious, open and compassionate towards my client as possible I am constantly bringing awareness to my internal experience allowing this open and non-judgmental energy to swirl around the room and allow for the client to experiment with.
On the clients end - for them to focus on them looks like the following. Sharing whats on their mind and noticing the different thoughts, feelings and sensations that come up in response to what they just shared, want to share or are afraid to share. Sometimes these can be shared and other times its fine to just notice them internally. But knowing that there is nothing that is off the table to bring into sessions with your provider.
EX) wanting to come in and talk about something but fearing that the therapist will judge them for having certain thoughts or going through certain experiences so they don’t share it at all. Instead of holding all of that awareness alone and to yourself - maybe try sharing with your provider that there is something on your mind that you want to explore but are scared that there might be judgment (not needing to share the thing but just that there is a space inside of you that is very worried about being judged about sharing this thing). Your provider will be able to meet you where you are at and work with that fearful part and provide some reassurance to it, hear its past experiences as to why it fears judgment and connect with it in a way that it might not of ever been connected with before.
Bringing everything back to the idea that therapists are not here to give advice. But are here to meet clients where they are at and that there are no expectations for what is and is not shared in session. Because again if I was over here giving advice to my clients I would not be doing that from a space that is trying to meet them where they are at with genuine curiosity - I would be meeting them with my problem solver, fixer, caretaker etc. part and that is not always what the client need. Typically clients need to be connected with, heard, understood and just provided a space to be.
Again - that cannot happen if I am over here giving advice. Remember that we all have those parts inside of us that just want someone to tell us what to do and would be really good rule followers if someone stepped in and told us what to do - but that is just not how therapy works. So when your provider sets this boundary - it can definitely frustrate certain parts of us that really just want someone to tell them what to do. What can be helpful is to get to know this part a bit more and hear about what it really wants for you by someone telling it what to do. Does it want relief? A break? Just slow down and get curious with it to see.
Written by Shannon Gonter, LPCC in Louisville, KY. Providing telehealth to those in KY and office based and walk and talk sessions to those located around the Louisville area.
It's your life - you have a say in what happens next...
No matter what type of family you grew up in - we all have expectations set for us. Some have a lot - and some have very few. Some are very clear and explicitly stated and some you’ve got to piece together and read between the lines to digest.
It is not uncommon for people to talk about their families and often times when that happens you will hear the sayings along the lines of “my mom always wanted me…” - “my siblings did this…”, “our family were the ones who…” — a lot of other collective thought phrases.
Behind these phrases is usually very clear or subtle expectations set by the household or society we were surrounded with.
No matter what type of family you grew up in - we all have expectations set for us. Some have a lot - and some have very few. Some are very clear and explicitly stated and some you’ve got to piece together and read between the lines to digest.
Either way - if we make it to adulthood - we often find ourselves in a space of differentiation from our family systems or societal expectations and that oftentimes causes friction within our current space and in the ways we interact internally (thoughts, feelings, sensations).
Everyday as we age - the hope is that we embrace our individuality more and more - becoming our own beings outside of our family system. But this not usually so black and white. A lot of the friction comes from us trying to do this all while upholding these family beliefs (consciously but oftentimes unconsciously) and expectations for self (that may be drastically different than what we want for ourselves or may just have the most subtle of differences).
Examples:
thinking about going to therapy and sharing with a professional your lived experiences when you were told that sharing with others is dangerous and can be unsafe and that business “stays in the family” = FRICTION
feeling like crying but holding it in because you were told that emotions are weakness. Knowing on one level that crying doesn’t = weakness - but still be able to allow self to do it in a way that feels safe
coming to and shifting political beliefs when you were raised and socialized with different beliefs but still keeping them a secret from specific people out of fear from alienation, judgement, etc.
Some of the most important parts to all of this is having awareness and giving back what doesn’t resonate with you any longer.
A lot of family and societal expectations that are placed on us were done so without our consent. They are just floating in our homes and communities waiting to land on us - and they often stick to us without us even knowing - therefore making it hard to understand them.
AWARENESS
See who is in the room (your head and body). We don’t usually just have one thing online - usually we have a part of us that feels excited and another who is hesitant and another who is planning what to do if things don’t go as planned and another who is ready to bring on the self sabotage.
Connect to the body. When having a thought or feeling sometimes it can be connected to a bodily sensation as well. Explore and bring your awareness inside and see whats going on in your body when you are feeling nervous. Is your heart pounding, your chest tight, hands sweating?
Track when they show up and how you feel towards them. Usually the things inside of us have a bit of a sequence to them - see if you can notice any internal patterns. Maybe when you are feeling really anxious and have a lot of chatter in your head something soon after comes over to shut it all down and we find ourselves on the couch watching Netflix for 8 hours and then something else comes online to tell us we are lazy and then the doer comes online and the next night we stay up till 3am doing work we “should have been doing” earlier. Just notice the sequence and how you may feel different towards each part when it shows up to do its job.
REORGANIZING
Choice. As mentioned before - we don’t always subscribe to all beliefs that we hold. Little boys don’t click subscribe to feeling weak when feeling and experiencing certain emotions. These are (unfortunately) things that are just built into our society and lives and we are intentionally subscribed to them from our families and surroundings (“grow up, crying is for girls, get over it, you don’t have to cry”) or subtly subscribed to them through messages and reinforcements (not seeing your father cry, only seeing females in movies express certain emotions, seeing more females in caregiving professions then men).
Give back. Now that you are an adult - some things have changed. Maybe you don’t have the same political beliefs as the system you grew up in, or you took a different lifestyle route than was set before you, possibly you are attracted to the same sex and you grew up not knowing that was an option. So this where this all comes together. We have got to have the awareness of whats going on now - how things were different before - how these two things are stored in the body and who they belong to.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Kentucky
I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their unhelpful patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Find A Therapist And Mental Health Stigma
When thinking about entering into a relationship with a counselor/therapist or not, one of your evaluating factors HAS TO BE the societal stigma of “being in therapy”. Say what?! Huh. I don’t say this to heighten or increase the stigma but because this is a HUGE barrier that keeps people from asking for help from a trained mental health professional.
When thinking about entering into a relationship with a counselor/therapist or not, one of your evaluating factors HAS TO BE the societal stigma of - being in therapy - going to see a counselor - asking for help from someone outside of the family - asking for help at all.
Say what?! Huh.
I don’t say this because I want to heighten or increase the stigma but because this is a HUGE barrier that keeps people from asking for help from a trained mental health professional in the first place.
Without having the explicit or implicit stigma in our conscious awareness, how are we ever going to take control of it? ( hint hint - we won’t)
When stigma is not controlled it can consume us (and definitely when we don’t even recognize or know its there).
When it consumes us it keeps us STUCK.
When we feel stuck, we can sometimes feel HELPLESS & HOPELESS.
When we feel like this we often feel like there is NO OTHER OPTION than where we are now.
But I am here to show you, that there is!
No secret that there is a stigma of personal mental health services and the industry as a whole. So once we can be aware and welcome the stigma associated with asking for help from a therapist (as one of the multiple factors in the equation) we can take ownership of it and ask that part of us that is feeling the stigma what’s up and learn more about why is feels that way. What does it need to tell us? What is it afraid of? Let’s get curious about why it’s there.
Example: John works out on a regular basis and eats healthy. He has done these things for years and usually it assists him after a stressful day but the past year it just doesn’t seem to be cutting it anymore. He has been told by his friends and family for years that therapy would really help him. They let him know that it will really assist him relieve some of the work stress he is experiencing and be more present when at home. He knows his brother has seen a therapist in the past and he knows that it assisted him greatly.
So he started following lots of mental health and wellness professionals on social media and gets some benefit and relief from filling his feed with positively and helpful, educational mental health and wellness facts. This allows him to manage for a little bit longer and but he soon looses interest in social media.
He finally says that he will go see a counselor because he knows that him following lots of health and wellness individuals on social media, working out regularly, and eating healthy just isn’t doing it for him anymore. He starts by just googling “how to find a counselor in Louisville, KY”. He is directed to a mental health directory site and starts using the search filters to find someone that fits his financial, location and personal needs.
These prompted search filters allow him to think about some of the items in the equation to seeing a counselor. Takes into account his financials, and his budget for services and if he is going to use his insurance. Thinks about what type of services he would like talk therapy, testing, or medication management. Factors in if he wants to see someone in person or online or maybe even a combination of the two. Possibly the demographics of the individual he wants to talk with and if he feels most comfortable with a male, female, POC, etc. Maybe he even factors in some personal recommendations and he goes back to those friends and family members and he asks them if they have seen a professional before and if they could recommend anyone. And maybe he even checks in with his medical professional at their next check up…
He does such a thorough and amazing job at filtering and researching the variety of therapists in his area and he has it narrowed down to this one therapist that he feels gets him. Their professional website and social media presence speaks to him and he just feels like he has already got so much benefit from reading their blogs. He gets excited about his future and the ways his life could look differently if he could get into an appointment with this professional.
He types up an inquiry email to send and doesn’t send it. He thinks about calling but never does. He continues to add it to his to do list but it never gets done.
This cycle continues for the next 6 months all while he continues to beat himself up around the fact that he “can never do anything right” or “follow through with anything” and that he is “doomed” and just feels “so stuck”.
PAUSE. Familiar with this scenario at all?
I am! This is all so common in the mental health field. I believe it is because stigma was never one of the conscious factors thought out. It was very much an unconscious thing doing its job behind the scenes, keeping John stuck.
We grow up with films, tv and possibly our friends and family painting a picture of what the mental health industry looks like. Unfortunately, they get it all wrong. They tell us what “crazy” looks like, how the mental health world is only at psychiatric hospitals, framing that “only alcoholics see therapists”, telling us that we shouldn’t share our home life with “strangers”, and so forth. Most of us were never really set up for success with the appropriate education, support and foundation to be able to navigate the mental health world in a healthy way to begin with.
So, let’s go back to the beginning and normalize mental health! Allow the stigma that is ingrained in all of us and our society to be one of the factors and challenge it head on! How do we do this? How can John allow this into the picture so it doesn’t keep him stuck behind the scenes?
Ways to do this:
Challenge:
We don’t think any differently of those who get their hair cut by a hair stylist, or who hire personal trainer so why think any differently of those who hire people to work on their inner workings?!
Normalize:
We are all humans and all humans have a mental health to maintain and look after. And remember, very few of us were given the appropriate tools, spaces or resources to know what to do with all these feels. AND even those of us who have masters and doctorate level degrees in mental health are not immune from it! #TheFeelsGetUsAll
Choice:
This is your past, present and future. Take ownership of it. Just because people ahead of us or next to us say certain things and do certain things, doesn’t mean we have to subscribe to those as well. We can do something else in the present moment so our futures look differently.
Talk:
To a friend, a family member, virtual partners, co-workers, or to your journal. Remember though that a friend or family member is not professionally trained to help you grow, heal, and change. It’s likely that your friends and family will give you their best advice, but you may need another set of eyes and ears on the matter and that is where a trained, licensed mental health professional can come in. Whereas a friend might give advice based on their personal relationship with you or based on their own life experience, I am interested in helping you find your own answers by helping you to connect with what is true and right for you. I am committed to maintaining an unbiased and judgement-free position in the room.
The only way to do something about anything is to bring awareness to it, name it, create space for it, be curious about what to do with it and then see how it evolves in this newfound space of awareness and action. #CreateSpace #AllowCompassion
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
*The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Tips To Combat Perfectionism
Having perfectionistic ideals can be detrimental to your emotional wellbeing, lively hood and relationships. In this post we will explore the ways to combat your perfectionistic tendencies.
Create personal goals and expectations (more realistic ones)
Go ahead and let yourself know that you are enough. What you are doing right now, and thinking right now and feeling right now IS ENOUGH.
By letting go and setting some more realistic goals you’ll gain so much because you will no longer be spinning your wheels trying to reach the impossible.
Challenge negative thoughts and your inner critic
Let’s turn down the volume to that negativity! Your emotional wellbeing does not need to be beaten up, so back off and switch things up.
EX Perfectionistic Thoughts: My co-workers should never be late for meetings. If my co-workers are late it is because they don’t care about me or the topic at hand.
EX Alternative Thoughts: Maybe they lost track of time, or maybe they got stuck in traffic. Even when we try to be on time, sometimes life happens. Heck, this even happens to me sometimes!
EX Evaluating Perfectionistic Thoughts and Alternative Thoughts: My alternative thoughts are far more plausible and realistic. My perfectionistic thoughts really don’t serve me any purpose (other than getting me all wound up).
EX Choosing a More Realistic and Helpful Perspective: This really isn’t that bad, its just a few minutes. And if it continues to be a regular issue, then I will address it with them at a later date.
Look at the big picture
Get out of the details and let’s look at the bigger picture. Often times perfectionists getting bogged down with the nitty gritty and it can end up causing more worry than what is useful.
You can ask yourself the following questions to assist in this process:
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
Prioritize yourself
Focus on self care. Connect with loved ones, invest in therapy, re-connect with an old hobby, read, get outside, go for a walk, take deep breaths…
Say “no” more
We know you’ve got high ambitions but #YOUCANTDOITALL
Learn to set boundaries and say “no” to the things that don’t need to have your hand in, don’t fill you up or you don’t want to do. Setting healthy boundaries will assist you in regaining control of your schedule and energy levels.
Repeat, repeat, repeat… “time off is not time wasted”
Being bored is good. Resting is great and taking breaks is necessary! For perfectionist, it is easy to practice that relaxation is wasted time not spent on achieving said goals.
But in reality our creativity originates and grows in times of rest. This down time gives us the ability to remain healthy and feel refreshed so when it is time to get back at it we can show up as our full selves and chip away towards our goals.
Trust, trust, trust
Remind yourself that it’s all going to work out (in time). Provide yourself some reassurance using the data from your life to show yourself that you get things done. Feel secure opposed to being overwhelmed. Don’t panic because your history shows that you are a “doer” and that it will all get done (with time).
Take breaks
Sometimes these will be 1 minute breaks, 5 minutes breaks or hour long breaks. Important thing is that you are taking a break. For those of you that the thought of taking breaks initiates that “breaks = wasted time” alarm just take a breath. It may not be natural for you to prioritize yourself, so it may be helpful for you to schedule in your breaks. This will get you used to what it feels like in order to see the benefits and the importance of recharging.
Use “Hypothesis Testing”
Let’s carry out some small experiments. Try sending an email without proofreading it, show up a few minutes late to a meeting, buy something online without reading every single review. According to perfectionist standards, this may seem like half ass-ing things.
So yeah, let’s try that and see if the world ends?! Even if the result ends up being “negative”, it probably wasn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be (though you brain may be telling you something different).
And how did it feel to not drive yourself (or others) crazy? Or did you gain back some time or save some energy that could be used elsewhere?
From When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism:
An excellent way to test the accuracy of your perfectionistic thoughts and predictions is to carry out small experiments, a process also known as hypothesis testing. Carefully designed experiments will provide an opportunity to disprove your perfectionistic beliefs. For example, if you tend to write papers that are too detailed, try leaving out some of the detail and seeing what happens. Regardless of the outcome, you will obtain valuable information. If there is no consequence, you will learn that your beliefs about the importance of including all of the details are not true.
Take a vacation
Doesn’t have to be fancy. Maybe its a 1/2 day trip, full day trip or weekend getaway, There is nothing like getting out of your regular schedule or town and spending time in a different way.
Stop multitasking
You think you are the exception to the multitasking rule, but you're not. You are wasting your time trying to do it all and do it all at the same time. Stop doing all the things and stop doing them all at once!
Don’t hold others to the same standards (this will take practice)
When you navigate your life doing everything perfect, it is common to have those expectations carry over to how we expect others to behave. Issue with this is that not everyone is wired like you. Bring awareness to the thoughts and expectations you have of others and challenge and shift those just as you would if they were thoughts about yourself (see above).
Take on someones else’s perspective
Point of view is a very important aspect of human connection and interaction. , Perfectionist often have a hard time seeing others perspectives but being able to take on someone else’s perspective can be very beneficial. For example, if i think “I am lazy” because I went to the gym for an hour today and not 2 hours, it might be helpful to think about this from someone else’s perspective. So, to do this I could ask myself
How would Susan (friend) view this situation?
Are there other ways of looking at this situation?
What would I tell a close friend who was having this dilemma?
Reward yourself
Remember that a big thing keeping the perfectionistic standards top priority is FEAR OF FAILURE. And it is tough work facing your fears head on. So give yourself a break and pamper yourself throughout this lifelong journey of change.
Shannon Gonter, LPCC
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist
Though not everyone knows, there is a big difference between being a perfectionist and being a high achiever. This blog will detail the differences between the two.
High Achiever
Strives to do their best at all times
Understands the mistakes will happen along the way
Enjoys the journey
And the outcome
Very resilient
Because they know that mistakes are going to happen, they can bounce back from them with more ease.
Comfortable and enjoys constructive criticism
Sees this as a needed step and great opportunity to grow
Perfectionist
Fears failure or rejection
At all costs
Usually has lower self esteem
Seeking validation externally because they haven’t found it inside themselves yet.
Doesn’t always enjoy the journey
Because they are so focused on the results
Rigid
Black and white thinking
Doesn’t respond well to criticism
Because this leads to them questioning themselves and the mere fact that anything less than perfection = failure
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.
Am I a Perfectionist?
What are the common characteristics of being a “perfectionist”. This post will detail some of the most poplar allowing you to look through them and see if any of them resonate with you.
Below are some characteristics of “perfectionist”. Look through them and see if any of them resonate with you.
FEAR OF FAILURE
You often stay in your lane and stick to what you know.
You are nervous that you will not be able to pick up a new task easily
Nervous that others will perceive you as a failure or you will let them down.
Mistakes often lead to judgment and criticism
Mistakes are not seen as learning opportunities.
You are risk adverse.
LOW SELF ESTEEM
You are self critical.
You have difficulties noticing and celebrating your successes.
You don’t feel fulfilled.
You don’t feel happy.
You feel lonely or isolated.
You believe that perfection leads to likability.
UNREALISTIC STANDARDS
You have very high standards for yourself.
You struggle when you/others make “stupid” mistakes.
Very difficult time when things do not go as planned.
Meeting goals = higher self worth (I am amazing…)
Not meeting goals = lower self worth (I am a shitty person…)
ALL OR NOTHING THINKING
Rigid thought pattern.
Little room for “gray area” thoughts.
Limited deviation on what is acceptable.
Anything less than “perfection” = failure
CRITICAL EYE
Have a difficult time pointing out the “positives” of something.
Sees spaces for improvement first.
Hard time accepting things as they are without improving them in your head.
Often see imperfections in self and others first.
“PUSH” VS “PULL” MENTALITY
High achievers may be pulled to their goals by an interest and desire to achieve.
But perfectionist are often pressured and pushed to their goals by a fear of not reaching them.
RESULTS FOCUSED
Often have tunnel vision.
Little room for anything “emotional” because it gets in the way.
Cannot see anything else but the goal to be reached.
Difficult time being present
DEFENSIVENESS
Often is defensive in response to comments and suggestions from others and do not take them as constructive criticism (because if you were perfect than others wouldn’t have to comment or suggest things to you).
PROCRASTINATION
The fear of failure will often immobilized perfectionist from even starting a task. Often making it hard to start projects or complete tasks on time (if you did not start something or “finish” it then it cannot be a true failure).
UNMET GOALS = BREAKDOWN
You do not bounce back quickly when goals are not met.
Often beat yourself up.
Take out anger on something/someone else.
Use this experience as fuel to “never let this happen again”.
If you connect with some or all of the above characteristics, that’s okay. You are not doomed. There are tips and tricks that can assist in altering your internal and external outlook on things and you can become a #recoveredperfectionist
Often times perfectionist just think they are high achievers and this is why they cannot get out of their own way and continue to feel stuck and unfulfilled. There is a difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist and you can shift between the two.
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
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