It is not uncommon for people to talk about their families and often times when that happens you will hear the sayings along the lines of “my mom always wanted me…” - “my siblings did this…”, “our family were the ones who…” — a lot of other collective thought phrases.
Behind these phrases is usually very clear or subtle expectations set by the household or society we were surrounded with.
No matter what type of family you grew up in - we all have expectations set for us. Some have a lot - and some have very few. Some are very clear and explicitly stated and some you’ve got to piece together and read between the lines to digest.
Either way - if we make it to adulthood - we often find ourselves in a space of differentiation from our family systems or societal expectations and that oftentimes causes friction within our current space and in the ways we interact internally (thoughts, feelings, sensations).
Everyday as we age - the hope is that we embrace our individuality more and more - becoming our own beings outside of our family system. But this not usually so black and white. A lot of the friction comes from us trying to do this all while upholding these family beliefs (consciously but oftentimes unconsciously) and expectations for self (that may be drastically different than what we want for ourselves or may just have the most subtle of differences).
Examples:
thinking about going to therapy and sharing with a professional your lived experiences when you were told that sharing with others is dangerous and can be unsafe and that business “stays in the family” = FRICTION
feeling like crying but holding it in because you were told that emotions are weakness. Knowing on one level that crying doesn’t = weakness - but still be able to allow self to do it in a way that feels safe
coming to and shifting political beliefs when you were raised and socialized with different beliefs but still keeping them a secret from specific people out of fear from alienation, judgement, etc.
Some of the most important parts to all of this is having awareness and giving back what doesn’t resonate with you any longer.
A lot of family and societal expectations that are placed on us were done so without our consent. They are just floating in our homes and communities waiting to land on us - and they often stick to us without us even knowing - therefore making it hard to understand them.
AWARENESS
See who is in the room (your head and body). We don’t usually just have one thing online - usually we have a part of us that feels excited and another who is hesitant and another who is planning what to do if things don’t go as planned and another who is ready to bring on the self sabotage.
Connect to the body. When having a thought or feeling sometimes it can be connected to a bodily sensation as well. Explore and bring your awareness inside and see whats going on in your body when you are feeling nervous. Is your heart pounding, your chest tight, hands sweating?
Track when they show up and how you feel towards them. Usually the things inside of us have a bit of a sequence to them - see if you can notice any internal patterns. Maybe when you are feeling really anxious and have a lot of chatter in your head something soon after comes over to shut it all down and we find ourselves on the couch watching Netflix for 8 hours and then something else comes online to tell us we are lazy and then the doer comes online and the next night we stay up till 3am doing work we “should have been doing” earlier. Just notice the sequence and how you may feel different towards each part when it shows up to do its job.
REORGANIZING
Choice. As mentioned before - we don’t always subscribe to all beliefs that we hold. Little boys don’t click subscribe to feeling weak when feeling and experiencing certain emotions. These are (unfortunately) things that are just built into our society and lives and we are intentionally subscribed to them from our families and surroundings (“grow up, crying is for girls, get over it, you don’t have to cry”) or subtly subscribed to them through messages and reinforcements (not seeing your father cry, only seeing females in movies express certain emotions, seeing more females in caregiving professions then men).
Give back. Now that you are an adult - some things have changed. Maybe you don’t have the same political beliefs as the system you grew up in, or you took a different lifestyle route than was set before you, possibly you are attracted to the same sex and you grew up not knowing that was an option. So this where this all comes together. We have got to have the awareness of whats going on now - how things were different before - how these two things are stored in the body and who they belong to.
Written by: Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Kentucky
I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their unhelpful patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.