The root of all of our thoughts, feelings and sensations is protection. It may not seem like that from the surface but if we slow it down and we give all of these internal processes some time and space - they will show and explain to us that they are trying to protect us.
Yes - even the ones that self sabotage, have suicidal thoughts, lie, cheat, steal, etc.
Hmm…still skeptical - keep reading…
Watching eight hours of Netflix straight.
Drinking a bottle of wine in one sitting.
Yelling at your partner.
Cutting your arm.
Eating a lot of food in one sitting.
Constantly doing and never giving yourself a break….
All examples of things that on the surface don't seem helpful or protective. But again if we spend some time with them we will see that they are good natured and protective against the alternative deep down at the core - trying the hardest they can to protect something.
I can't quite give you an example of every single thing and how this plays out in your body and your mind and in your relationships because it's going to be very different for everyone and there are just way to many examples and scenarios that can be described - but below I will give some vague general examples of how these above mentioned things can be protective in nature even when society and others tell us they are not “good” or “healthy” or whatever else they want to label them.
Watching eight hours of Netflix straight.
In comes the socially acceptable binge watching trend that SO many people SO quickly jumped on. But why is this so popular and how did it catch on so quickly?
It was not solely because streaming services produce such high quality good shows - though sometimes that may be the case - but because SO many of us are in need of a way to stop our brains from constantly thinking, doing, preventing and analyzing before we burn out and completely crash.
So as a protective system - our bodies learn that one effective way to avoid burn out from our doer energy is to get a short break from the constant chatter in our heads and zone out on the couch for 8 hours in one sitting. This naturally creates a space for the doers to recharge - AKA protecting the doer parts - and come back after the binge (rest) oftentimes with more energy then ever to start the pattern over and over again.
Though our judgers and parts that think we are lazy will without a doubt criticize the Netflix binger because it is “unproductive” - we have to step back and see that it is not stepping in to make us feel lazy and bad about ourselves but to protect the doer from burn out. Because the alternative of the doer hitting burn out - is a way worse case scenario than the critical voice in our head calling us lazy.
Yelling at your partner.
Yelling at your partner during an argument always has a protective space to it. Remembering that protective does not mean - making things easier in our external lives.
Bringing us back to our internal structure and system - if we know our partner shuts down when we yell at them and fighting makes us feel unsafe and threatened - the protective pattern that may kick in for you is to yell at your partner and stop the fighting for now so your internal system can get back to a safe baseline.
Surely does not mean the fight is over or resolved or again that yelling is the most externally healthy thing to do but for your internal system - parts of it feel protected by the ability to call on yelling to come in and stop it from feeling unsafe and threatened as it was during the argument.
Self harm behaviors.
A lot of us do not feel like we have control of things (inside and outside our bodies) and have lots of feelings inside of us that do not feel safe to feel. These feelings usually have a large held belief that if we feel them it will crumble us and be the worst. If we never get a space to express whats inside in a way that feels safe it leaves us feeling out of control in our internal state and a lot of the time in our external lives as well.
Our bodies will do what they do and take it into their own hands and find a way to take control and feel something (because that is what we are designed to do). So bring self harm into the picture.
Whatever the self harming behavior is - the internal system will very quickly learn that this is an effective way to send the signal to the body that we have control and can feel things on our terms. Therefore protecting us from the held belief that feeling the feelings and being with the past experiences will crumble us all while allowing us to release some of the pain by feeling something that is self inflicted.
When slowing down - we have to bring ourselves back to all the different parts of us that make us who we are. We often look inside and get stuck in a judgmental part of us and just look at everything from the eyes of that thing.
We sit on the couch for 8 hours watching Netflix and don’t see that as a protective mechanism for our doer energy- we see it as us avoiding our to do lists, us being lazy, us not being able to get shit done, etc. But that is just another part of us thinking those things about that behavior and by staying there it wont land us anywhere else but feeling bad about ourselves or our situation.
So what if we went into this slow down process knowing that everything we do, think and feel is protective at its core and start getting super curious to learn more about all the internal structures, systems and patterns inside us. Creating space to build relationship with these parts and not continue the ping ponging battle we have got going on inside our heads and bodies.
If all of this is not making any sense to you - like at all - read a bit more about Internal Family Systems and it may clear up some of the lingo and ways of thinking about our thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences.
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms it will be better suited for you to see an in person counselor to ensure your safety and provide you with the support needed. Please call 911 or find your local mental health emergency services by Googling “(your town) crisis hotline” if you are feeling suicidal or experiencing a mental health crisis.
Written by Shannon Gonter
I specialize in working with individuals aged 18-35. Some presenting concerns that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others. I am trained to help you become more aware of your emotional responses to these challenges and help you recognize problematic relational patterns and new ways to cope. This awareness will create new opportunities for learning more adaptive ways of relating to others and coping with life’s stressors.
The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.