Shannon Gonter 6/26/24 Shannon Gonter 6/26/24

Happiness Is Not Always The Goal

As children, we are often taught societal norms and expectations—how to behave, what to believe, and even how to feel. These boundaries are ingrained early on, shaping our understanding of emotions and how we should express them. Over time, we internalize these norms, sometimes to the detriment of our emotional well-being.

Exploring Emotions: Embracing Authenticity and Connection

Consider the analogy from the movie Inside Out, where Joy strives to keep Riley happy by suppressing other emotions like sadness, anger, and fear. Many of us have been raised in a similar way, encouraged to prioritize happiness above all else. This societal conditioning can lead us to dismiss or suppress emotions that are deemed negative or inconvenient.

However, as we mature, there comes a pivotal moment of realization: we have the agency to question these norms and redefine our relationship with our emotions. It’s about embracing a more exploratory, curious, and evolutionary approach towards how we feel and respond.

Challenging Emotional Norms

Despite the progress we may make in other aspects of our lives—career, relationships, personal growth—our emotional landscape often remains stagnant. We accept rules and expectations for our emotions without critically evaluating if they still serve us.

It’s crucial to recognize that emotional well-being isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about acknowledging and embracing the full spectrum of human emotions. Sadness, anger, fear—they all serve important purposes in our lives. They provide us with signals about our needs, boundaries, and experiences. By suppressing or denying these emotions, we deny ourselves the opportunity for growth, healing, and genuine connection.

Embracing Emotional Authenticity

Imagine a world where instead of striving for constant happiness, we aim to understand and connect with our emotions authentically. This shift involves unlearning societal conditioning and rewriting our emotional scripts. It’s about allowing ourselves to feel without judgment or guilt, and learning to comfort and connect with our emotions when needed.

This journey towards emotional authenticity requires courage and self-compassion. It means sitting with discomfort, exploring the root causes of our emotions, and learning healthier ways to respond to them. It’s about giving ourselves permission to cry, to be angry, to feel fear—and recognizing that these emotions are not weaknesses but integral parts of being human.

Conclusion

The path to emotional well-being involves reclaiming agency over our emotional lives. It’s about moving away from the expectation of constant happiness and instead embracing the richness and complexity of our emotional experiences. By doing so, we cultivate deeper connections with ourselves and others, fostering a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Let’s challenge the norms, rewrite the rules, and create a space where all emotions are valid and welcomed. After all, true emotional freedom comes from embracing the full spectrum of who we are.

Two things can be true at once. We can be joyful and sad. Nervous and excited. Anxious and Grounded. Jealous and Happy.

Written by Shannon Gonter

I specialize in working with individuals aged 18-35. Some presenting concerns that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others. I am trained to help you become more aware of your emotional responses to these challenges and help you recognize problematic relational patterns and new ways to cope. This awareness will create new opportunities for learning more adaptive ways of relating to others and coping with life’s stressors.

The information and resources contained on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The use of this website does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. Furthermore, the information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional.

Shannon Gonter 11/23/22 Shannon Gonter 11/23/22

How to notice burn out before it consumes you

Let us take a look at how we can notice burn out in our lives before it takes over and consumes us. There are lots of different ways we can notice it so we can prevent the extreme overwhelm.

How to notice the symptoms coming on to prevent it from getting too severe…

Knowing how you and your body hold onto and show stress is going to be very helpful in being able to prevent future burn out breakdowns. If you ignore these signs that your body and mind are sending you – you will eventually hit the burn out phase because the systems inside just can’t anymore.

Even though a lot of us have all sorts of thoughts and past experiences to back up the “just push through it” stage - continuing to just push through the exhaustion (or whatever other symptom(s) is there) and keeping as is will cause further emotional and physical damage to you.

We have got to pause – slow down – see what’s going on – listen to it – ask for help – maintain and repeat.

PAUSE

Literally might mean stop what you are doing and just pause.

SLOW DOWN

Maybe even close your eyes for a few moments and focus on your breathe. Coming in and out of your body. Not trying to change it but just noticing if it is rapid, or slow, or coming from your mouth or nose or up in your chest or down in your belly. Taking note of this automatic process and just being with it.

SEE WHAT’S GOING ON

Notice what is going on in your mind and body. Certain thoughts popping up? Sometimes people get to this stage and notice thoughts popping up that are FREAKING OUT about having their eyes closed or have taken a break in the first place and immediately exit this space and get back to whatever they were doing before. That is okay. THAT GIVES US A LOT OF DATA! Shows us that it is literally so scary to the internal system to pause just for a bit - what I would get most curious about (and maybe with a trained mental health professional) is what is the underlying belief or fear behind that? What is it so concerned will happen if we press pause and slow down and explore.

Maybe you check in with your body and notice that your chest is feeling really tight and almost like an elephant is sitting on it. So just notice that - maybe even bring your hand to you chest and see what its like to focus your attention on that sensation.

LISTEN

When focusing on that specific body sensation or thought - just listen. What else is going on in your mind and body? Do certain things like this sensation? Hate it? Want it to go away? Curious about it? Just take note of all the other thoughts and feelings coming online and be there with them with no expectations or pressure to do anything.

ASK FOR HELP

Dependent on whats going on in your head and body and how comfortable it is for you to have awareness and approach yourself with non judgement - it may be best to start some of this process with a trained mental wellness professional. These individuals are trained to walk by their clients in these ways and assist them in separating from these thoughts, feelings and sensations in order to gain perspective and learn about them.

Burnout doesn't have to just happen to us – it can happen to part of us maybe we have some thing inside of us that is a big doer and planner and preventative thinker and that thing has just been working really really hard nonstop 24 seven for the past 29 years… It's bound to get burn out if we don't get curious about it and help it.

The issue sometimes as we don't know how to help or we don't have the awareness that the doer is so tapped out because we are just too close to it all. It takes slowing down and asking for help to be able to see the doer as one of the many parts of our internal system that keeps us going. So of course we don't want to get rid of the doer but we want the doer to know that there are other parts of the system that can help it out when it's exhausted.

We just have to know and believe that it's OK to be tired it's OK to take a break its OK to ask for help.

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 11/9/22 Shannon Gonter 11/9/22

How Burn Out Looks IRL

Let us take a look at what burn out looks like in real life. How it shows up and what it looks like.

How it looks IRL

PHYSICAL

- Feeling tired all the time

- Lots of headaches

- Lowered immunity

- Change in your typical eating patterns

- Fatigue

- Muscle tension

EMOTIONAL

- Lots of self-doubt

- Helplessness

- Feeling alone in the world

- Little to no motivation

- Cynical outlooks

- Negative attitude

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Numbness

- Compassion fatigue

- Lowered satisfaction when you accomplish something

BEHAVORIAL

- Pulling away from your responsibilities

- Using substances to cope

- Taking out your frustrations on innocent others/things

- Skipping work

- Depersonalization of others

- Lack of creativity

- Procrastination

- Forgetfulness

- Isolation

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 10/26/22 Shannon Gonter 10/26/22

Reframe how we think about burn out...

In the past videos we have talked what what burn out is and many more, but this blog is going to focus on how to reframe burn out.

Let’s reframe how we think about burn out…

When we say “I am so burnt out” - what does that even mean? Coming from the understanding that we are not just one core personality and we all wear several different hats and are made up of lots of different parts - it may be helpful to slow down and ask “who inside me is burnt out”?

We so commonly refer to ourselves as just one collective thing and that makes it difficult to name burn out and know what to do with it because it is very unlikely that YOU are burnt out -it is much more common for the organizer you to be exhausted the perfectionist you to be stressed and never catching a break the compartmentalizer you to be overwhelmed, etc.

Very commonly some of the core parts of ourselves that lead our lives are exhausted and just can’t anymore. They need a break but do not know how to take one or are so scared that if they stop doing what they do best everything else will crumble.

So let us slow down the process and figure out what our bodies and minds are telling us to see who inside is bunt out and needs some help.

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 10/12/22 Shannon Gonter 10/12/22

What can lead to burn out?

What leads to burn out? So many things - specially with the weight of everything these days. Check out this blog that is part of our burn out series to learn more.

What can lead to burn out?

WORK

- Unclear job duties and expectations

- High pressure / high expectation environment

- Overly demanding job duties

- Doing work that is not challenging enough for you

- No – to very little recognition for the good work you are doing

- No control over your work

- Information overload

- Insufficient time off

LIFE

- Not getting enough sleep

- Difficulty asking for help from others

- Taking on too many responsibilities without help from others

- Lack of supportive relationships and help

- Family and caregiving stress

- Not socializing and relaxing enough and working too much

PERSONALITY

- Expectations to always be the high achiever

- Perfectionistic tendencies

- Type A personality traits

- Fearful

- Pessimistic view of the world

Reframe how we think about it…

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 9/28/22 Shannon Gonter 9/28/22

What is Burn Out

What is burn out? Read and listen to learn about burn out in this blog that is part of our burn out series.

Before going much further - lets start with a definition.

What is burn out?

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands. (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm).

For some it looks like a time in our day or week or year or life that you were super stressed, irritable, exhausted, unhappy, confused on the next steps, unsure, etc. Maybe it lasted a day but likely it lasted longer.

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 9/14/22 Shannon Gonter 9/14/22

Burn Out Is Real

Burn out is real and happens all the time to all different types of people walking all the different walks of life.

Sometimes it happens and then stops - but often it has a cyclical pattern to it and starts -stops and then starts back up again throughout the weeks/months.

We have all experienced it – in some form or fashion - but we may not have ever named it before – so naming it may be scary for some.

But there is SO much power in being able to identify what burn out looks like for you (looks different for everyone), how to identify it in your body and mind, how to prevent it in the future and how to have in the moment compassion for yourself.

Honestly the name “burn out” is quite terrifying – so I hear y’all who are like burn out? What - no. I have it all together…I have never been burnt out. I just am stressed from time to time because “life is stressful” and “this is just what life with a job and 2 kids looks like” and “I just get depressed sometimes”.

Sure – all that may be true. I am not here to tell you that life isn’t stressful – but a lot of the above sayings are also things that do not leave room for us to explore how our bodies and minds are holding stressful life events and digesting its daily happenings.

Burn out happens when so much is built up inside us with little to no awareness of what it is, where it belongs and what to do with it that we loose connection with the knowing that we are capable of slowing down, going in with the hard stuff and coming out on the other end.

Before going much further - lets start with a definition.

What is burn out?

What can lead to burn out?

WORK

- Unclear job duties and expectations

- High pressure / high expectation environment

- Overly demanding job duties

- Doing work that is not challenging enough for you

- No – to very little recognition for the good work you are doing

- No control over your work

- Information overload

- Insufficient time off

LIFE

- Not getting enough sleep

- Difficulty asking for help from others

- Taking on too many responsibilities without help from others

- Lack of supportive relationships and help

- Family and caregiving stress

- Not socializing and relaxing enough and working too much

PERSONALITY

- Expectations to always be the high achiever

- Perfectionistic tendencies

- Type A personality traits

- Fearful

- Pessimistic view of the world

Reframe how we think about it…

So let us slow down the process and figure out what our bodies and minds are telling us to see who inside is bunt out and needs some help.

How it looks IRL

PHYSICAL

- Feeling tired all the time

- Lots of headaches

- Lowered immunity

- Change in your typical eating patterns

- Fatigue

- Muscle tension

EMOTIONAL

- Lots of self-doubt

- Helplessness

- Feeling alone in the world

- Little to no motivation

- Cynical outlooks

- Negative attitude

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Numbness

- Compassion fatigue

- Lowered satisfaction when you accomplish something

BEHAVORIAL

- Pulling away from your responsibilities

- Using substances to cope

- Taking out your frustrations on innocent others/things

- Skipping work

- Depersonalization of others

- Lack of creativity

- Procrastination

- Forgetfulness

- Isolation

How to notice the symptoms coming on to prevent it from getting too severe…

We have got to pause – slow down – see what’s going on – listen to it – ask for help – maintain and repeat.

PAUSE

Literally might mean stop what you are doing and just pause.

SLOW DOWN

SEE WHAT’S GOING ON

LISTEN

ASK FOR HELP

We just have to know and believe that it's OK to be tired it's OK to take a break its OK to ask for help.

Written by Shannon Gonter , LPCC

Shannon Gonter 7/13/22 Shannon Gonter 7/13/22

Our Internal Protective System

Confused by what this even means? Our internal protective system? Huh. I was confuzzled at first too - but just keep on reading and you will see how at the core - all our thoughts, feelings and sensations are protecting us from something.

The root of all of our thoughts, feelings and sensations is protection. It may not seem like that from the surface but if we slow it down and we give all of these internal processes some time and space - they will show and explain to us that they are trying to protect us.

Yes - even the ones that self sabotage, have suicidal thoughts, lie, cheat, steal, etc.

Hmm…still skeptical - keep reading…

Watching eight hours of Netflix straight.

Drinking a bottle of wine in one sitting.

Yelling at your partner.

Cutting your arm.

Eating a lot of food in one sitting.

Constantly doing and never giving yourself a break….

All examples of things that on the surface don't seem helpful or protective. But again if we spend some time with them we will see that they are good natured and protective against the alternative deep down at the core - trying the hardest they can to protect something.

I can't quite give you an example of every single thing and how this plays out in your body and your mind and in your relationships because it's going to be very different for everyone and there are just way to many examples and scenarios that can be described - but below I will give some vague general examples of how these above mentioned things can be protective in nature even when society and others tell us they are not “good” or “healthy” or whatever else they want to label them.

Watching eight hours of Netflix straight.

In comes the socially acceptable binge watching trend that SO many people SO quickly jumped on. But why is this so popular and how did it catch on so quickly?

It was not solely because streaming services produce such high quality good shows - though sometimes that may be the case - but because SO many of us are in need of a way to stop our brains from constantly thinking, doing, preventing and analyzing before we burn out and completely crash.

So as a protective system - our bodies learn that one effective way to avoid burn out from our doer energy is to get a short break from the constant chatter in our heads and zone out on the couch for 8 hours in one sitting. This naturally creates a space for the doers to recharge - AKA protecting the doer parts - and come back after the binge (rest) oftentimes with more energy then ever to start the pattern over and over again.

Though our judgers and parts that think we are lazy will without a doubt criticize the Netflix binger because it is “unproductive” - we have to step back and see that it is not stepping in to make us feel lazy and bad about ourselves but to protect the doer from burn out. Because the alternative of the doer hitting burn out - is a way worse case scenario than the critical voice in our head calling us lazy.

Yelling at your partner.

Yelling at your partner during an argument always has a protective space to it. Remembering that protective does not mean - making things easier in our external lives.

Bringing us back to our internal structure and system - if we know our partner shuts down when we yell at them and fighting makes us feel unsafe and threatened - the protective pattern that may kick in for you is to yell at your partner and stop the fighting for now so your internal system can get back to a safe baseline.

Surely does not mean the fight is over or resolved or again that yelling is the most externally healthy thing to do but for your internal system - parts of it feel protected by the ability to call on yelling to come in and stop it from feeling unsafe and threatened as it was during the argument.

Self harm behaviors.

A lot of us do not feel like we have control of things (inside and outside our bodies) and have lots of feelings inside of us that do not feel safe to feel. These feelings usually have a large held belief that if we feel them it will crumble us and be the worst. If we never get a space to express whats inside in a way that feels safe it leaves us feeling out of control in our internal state and a lot of the time in our external lives as well.

Our bodies will do what they do and take it into their own hands and find a way to take control and feel something (because that is what we are designed to do). So bring self harm into the picture.

Whatever the self harming behavior is - the internal system will very quickly learn that this is an effective way to send the signal to the body that we have control and can feel things on our terms. Therefore protecting us from the held belief that feeling the feelings and being with the past experiences will crumble us all while allowing us to release some of the pain by feeling something that is self inflicted.

When slowing down - we have to bring ourselves back to all the different parts of us that make us who we are. We often look inside and get stuck in a judgmental part of us and just look at everything from the eyes of that thing.

We sit on the couch for 8 hours watching Netflix and don’t see that as a protective mechanism for our doer energy- we see it as us avoiding our to do lists, us being lazy, us not being able to get shit done, etc. But that is just another part of us thinking those things about that behavior and by staying there it wont land us anywhere else but feeling bad about ourselves or our situation.

So what if we went into this slow down process knowing that everything we do, think and feel is protective at its core and start getting super curious to learn more about all the internal structures, systems and patterns inside us. Creating space to build relationship with these parts and not continue the ping ponging battle we have got going on inside our heads and bodies.

If all of this is not making any sense to you - like at all - read a bit more about Internal Family Systems and it may clear up some of the lingo and ways of thinking about our thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms it will be better suited for you to see an in person counselor to ensure your safety and provide you with the support needed. Please call 911 or find your local mental health emergency services by Googling “(your town) crisis hotline” if you are feeling suicidal or experiencing a mental health crisis.

Written by Shannon Gonter

Shannon Gonter 10/21/20 Shannon Gonter 10/21/20

P R E S S U R E

There is a huge pressure that is put on kids to “brush it off” and “push through it”. This creates very little space for them to learn about your inner thoughts, emotions and needs. Making it difficult to navigate their inner experiences.

Recorded by Shannon Gonter in Louisville, KY

Childhood:

Impact:

This pressure and disconnection from self at an early age can cause stress, difficulties within your relationships, and leaves people with several unanswered questions. As humans, we naturally don’t like things that are answered with “idk” or a “?” so we fill in the answer with something - anything.

Issue:

From time to time, as children we are forced to fill in the answer to something we have no business doing, so our little brains and bodies do the best with what we got to survive (physically or figuratively) and we plug something in. If it works, we keep moving on and letting the things do their thing behind the scenes. If it doesn’t “work” then we plug something else in or learn to shut down parts of ourselves to make it “work”.

Time flies:

We then get to adulthood and some of the systems that worked for us as kids and adolescents just aren’t kicking it anymore. So we’ve got to update the system. The system though….doesn’t always like to be messed with. Remember that it has been operating in a certain way for a long, long time and it may have a hard time understanding your adult logic for wanting to switch things up.

How this looks IRL:

After your great achievements of receiving an education and starting your career, what’s next? Maybe you are struggling to find “your path”. The structure that once guided you to where you are today is no longer there, and all that lies in front of you seems like a lonely path.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way:

We know that we are “stuck” and don’t want to be any longer. So what are our options? Let’s try some things and switch it up.

Pause and breathe: For real. Right now. Stop reading this and pause. Close your eyes. Take a HUGE inhale and a huge exhale. Do this for as long as your body needs it.

Talk to a someone: Maybe its a family member, friend or your journal. Let out what is inside you. What you are experiencing is not crazy, is not abnormal and isn’t weird. You are experiencing it because it is what is. Let’s take some time to learn about why we are they way we are and spread that compassion to those parts of self that need it most. Get out of your head and let those words be said. We are not always the best people to talk to ourselves in all situations. We are often times much harsher to ourselves then we are to others.

Meditate: Use an app, go to a class, or simply just close your eyes and be still for 20 seconds. Take whatever step forward in the direction of learning more about meditation and mindfulness based practices and see if you want to integrate any fo those into your daily life.

Try counseling: Maybe you have never tried counseling before, or maybe it has just been years since you were forced to go as a kid or teenager. I believe that counseling can be different. Your decision to enter counseling at this time is for you, for your future, and for your personal growth. I am here to work alongside you to find better solutions to any negative patterns that continue to play out in your life.

Connect to something other then your phone: Maybe it is your breathe, nature, something spiritual, a God, just anything. Be intentional about changing up the routine and connecting with someone other then the usual (social media, Netflix, etc.).

I am Shannon Gonter and I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.

Shannon Gonter 10/7/20 Shannon Gonter 10/7/20

Anxiety Is Not Always As It Seems

People think that anxiety is having a panic attack or not liking big crowds. Well that is some of what anxiety is, but it’s so much more than that. It shows up in each and every one of our lives – but in very different ways and severity levels.

For individuals that steer towards perfectionism, our internal anxiety shows up differently externally and we are often praised for it. Therefore, sending messages to our anxiety that it is needed for our survival and needs to keep working overtime to keep us above water. From the outside we are seen as people who “have our shit together” are “always on time” and “are super organized” but on the inside we have a constant tummy ache, are crying in the bathroom at work, and have a difficult time turning off our brains and falling asleep.

Anxiety is a tricky thing – often wearing different masks and being quite sneaky in how it shows up in each of our lives.

Below are some of the most common polarizations from what people see (external) and what you feel (internal) experiences.

What people see: always on time

What you feel: instant tummy ache if I think I am going to be one minute late to something

What people see: strong work ethic

What you feel: fear of being fired over the littlest things and / or disappointing my boss

What people see: always in control

What you feel: something will go wrong if I do not do everything myself

What people see: good at planning

What you feel: I need to be prepared in case bad things X, Y or Z happens

What people see: always organized

What you feel: I have to be organized so I don’t get overwhelmed and have a meltdown

What people see: super helpful

What you feel: If I say “no” they will think that I don’t care about them

What people see: zen and relaxed

What you feel: if I do not meditate, do yoga, and breathe, I am going to lose my sh*t

What people see: self-assured

What you feel: “Do not listen to anxiety, you got this, you got this, you got this….”

What people see: calm and composed

What you feel: * Just finished crying in the bathroom… * “I can do this”

Give yourself some space to be both on time but to share that it causes you tummy aches, to be self assured but also know that you have anxious parts of self to be calm in the moment but know that you just got done crying in the bathroom. We all have LOTS of different parts inside of us, but often times we have a few that want to dominate and shine brightest. Create some space for the others.

Shannon Gonter 7/3/19 Shannon Gonter 7/3/19

How To Name Shame And Then Let It Go

Lots and lots of emotions out there, like lots. And they fall all over the map from positive to neutral to negative (with some fluctuating on placement dependent on the given situation). My personal opinion (and a popular one) on emotions is that not a lot of emotions are inherently “bad” or “negative” to feel, it’s what we do with that emotion that can be “bad” or “negative”. But there is an exception to this rule, and I will say, with confidence, that shame can almost always be classified as a “bad” emotion.

Lots and lots of emotions out there, like lots. And they fall all over the map from positive to neutral to negative (with some fluctuating on severity dependent on the given situation). My personal opinion (and a popular one) on emotions is that not a lot of emotions are inherently “bad” or “negative” to feel, it’s what we do with that emotion that can be “bad” or “negative”. But there is an exception to this rule, and I will say, with confidence, that shame can almost always be classified as a “bad” emotion.

Now what is shame. We hear it from time to time but honestly a lot of people confuse shame with guilt. And it can get tricky to differentiate between the two sometimes. “What is shame?” or “What’s the difference between shame and guilt?” is actually the top Googled items when it comes to shame. So, let’s clear some things up before continuing on…

Guilt is “feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy”

Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”

Gershen Kaufman stated that, "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within."

Therefore, the difference is that “Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, "I am bad." Guilt is, "I did something bad." – Brene Brown

So, from here on out when I talk about shame, I'm not talking about anyone actually doing anything wrong. I am talking about the feelings, and thoughts that we are somehow wrong, defective, inadequate, not good enough, or not strong enough.

To break it down a little more, lets walk through the some of the most common ways experience shame.

Withdrawing

Seems to be the most common response to shame. When you feel rejected or humiliated, you may begin to isolate yourself from connecting with others to avoid running into this feeling again. In the moment this may look like slumping your posture, avoiding eye contact or lowering your head. All of this makes sense and at times is a natural protective factor response to humiliation, but this eventually turns into a cycle and you may start to avoid going out with friends or often feeling “checked out”.

Attacking Yourself

No hidden psychological meaning here. This is what it says. Attacking yourself. The inner dialogue that we each have turns negative and says things like “I am stupid, I lack value, I am ugly, I am defective, I am unworthy etc.” After some time, these thoughts infect your actions and you start presenting yourself outwardly as if you are stupid, lack value or are ugly.

Lack of Balance

Avoidance: Don’t like experiencing all these negative feelings? Simple solution seems to just turn them off then, right? Unfortunately, emotions don’t work like this – they don’t have an off switch. They may be turned off/ignored/repressed by you, but they are still very much a part of you and inside you. Since you are not actively engaging with them, they show up in your life through excessive drinking, drug usage, spending etc.

Doing More Of: So, let’s say you are feeling shame around your sexual activity and you have a thought that if you just do it more, and get more comfortable with it, then the shame with dissipate. Now this would work (if shame wasn’t in the picture) but shame is in the picture for you, so this strategy doesn’t work. In the end you may become more promiscuous and therefore building up your shame opposed to working to lower it.

Over Doing: Maybe you notice that you often over do, over give, over share, over strive on things that you are proud of in order to ignore those situations that bring discomfort into your life.

Attacking Others

Appears to be a common sign of shame and comes off in varying degrees. Maybe it is putting others down, demeaning them, being cruel or even emotional and physical abuse. These are often played out to show a dominance or power over someone else (since you can’t get a handle on or take power over your feelings of shame).

So now what? Don’t worry I won’t leave you hanging.

The following steps can assist you in breaking the cycle of shame.

Step 1: Name It!

Think back and determine when you started feeling this way
Assess how your body experiences shame
Process those feelings (either alone or with someone else)

By doing this your relationship with shame will change and it will start to play a less powerful role in your life.

Step 2: Set Realistic Expectations

Recognize your physical, emotional and cognitive restrictions and plan accordingly. Though it is good to do your own research and read blogs, you may not find relief there. Given that shame starts in infancy and gets built on throughout our lives, there is usually a lot of items to dig through and most people see best results with assistance from a mental health professional.

Step 3: Tell The World!

Not really. I mean you can if you want, but what I mean is talk to someone who will understand and not cast judgement on you. In the end it is our inner thoughts that are keeping us locked in the room with shame, so why not allow someone else into the room to assist in looking at it from a different light. This will often allow you to understand that we judge ourselves on a harsher scale than others judge us and eventually release the shame from the body.

Step 4: Change Your Inner Voices

Adding onto the thought that we judge ourselves harsher than others judge us, try to reframe your inner voice. Think about it in terms of “would I say this to someone else” (and if not, don’t say it to yourself). Most of the time you wouldn’t, so let’s try to be kind to ourselves and shift your inner dialogue.

I understand that the title of the blog (How To Name Shame And Then Let It Go) may be misleading to some and that “if I name it, then it’ll go away and won’t come back”, but that isn’t the case with shame. Working through the shame in our lives takes time, requires active effort (on your end and often others) and hard work (months, maybe years…). So, you may think “okay then, why not name the blog something else.” Thought about it (obviously), but I just kept coming back to the process of letting go. Often change is difficult, scary and intimidating and throughout the process it may make you feel vulnerable or exposed. Involved in this process is letting go of those maladaptive behaviors that covered your shame and eventually replacing them with different, more positive and adaptive skills therefore lowering the exposed necked feelings.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC

Shannon Gonter, Professional Counselor in Louisville, KY

I specialize in working with men and young adults. I am passionate about my career and want to work with you to create positive change. I also strive to create a counseling environment where men and young adults can relate, feel heard, and find new solutions to their negative patterns. Some issues that I most commonly work with are stress, relationship issues, difficulty saying “no” to others, difficulties recognizing emotions and emotionally connecting to others, anger, and intimacy issues, among others.

Shannon Gonter 3/18/19 Shannon Gonter 3/18/19

#FOMO

Ever wonder what was there before #FOMO? Was there anything? Were we missing out as much on things before? Were we having this same fear before someone hash tagged it?

Ever thought about who invented FOMO? Personally, I never really did. It just wasn’t a thing and then it was a thing and I never really questioned it. Kind of assumed it was some trendy teenager that came up with the term. But it wasn’t. The term FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) was invented by Harvard MBA graduate Patrick J. McGinnisto to assist in business decision making (man did that intention go awry).

Questions…

Ever wonder what was there before #FOMO?

Was there anything?

Were we missing out on things as much before?

Were we having this same fear before someone hash tagged it?

I spent some time thinking about and researching this and it’s apparent that humans held a fear of missing out well before the digital age. So, I spent some more time placing a name to it, and honestly FOMO at its core is ANXIETY. If you are someone who resonates with FOMO (often says it, posts it, thinks it…) but are having a hard time aligning with anxiety --- and are like “I’m not anxious, my mom is anxious, no, no you don’t know what you are talking about” (ding ding ding- your probably anxious and now maybe even a little more anxious because I’m telling you that your anxious). But it’s okay, you are not alone. Anxiety is a natural response to being a human and interacting with others and there are steps you can take to assist you in lowering your anxiety (aka FOMO) levels.

Let’s take a look at the symptoms of both and see if there are any similarities…

ANXIETY

Physical

Stomach ache
Sleep issues
Increased heart rate
Dizziness…

Mental

Feeling like your going crazy
Fear of impending doom

FOMO

Physical

Stress eating
Salvation
Obsessive behaviors (refreshing Snap Chat one million time in a minute to see if there is a new post)
Sweating…

Mental

Feeling like your temporary going insane
Panic…

See the similarities? Okay, so now what…

Admit and Accept

Step 1: Repeat after me. “I mentally cannot handle the pressure and physically cannot be everywhere at all times, looking my best, and doing the coolest things all the time, and THAT IS OKAY.”

Step 2: Repeat.

Step 3: Repeat again and again and again some more.

During this phase you will feel like a secret has been unleashed and that a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Being able to admit and accept that you are experiencing social anxiety and acknowledging your insecurities will assist you in learning how to tackle the problem.

Limit your activity

If you can, turn off your phone for an hour, several hours, a day even. Re-create the ways you start your mornings, or a different way to deal with down time without having your phone glued to your hands.

But I get it, our phones house vital information for our day to day lives and they can’t exactly be turned off for extended periods of time. So, maybe just limit your activity throughout the day. Be intentional about the times you check social media. For example: you ride public transport to work for 40 minutes each day, so this is now your designated time to check social media. Just try it (for at least a week). Find a time of day that works for you and only look at your social media accounts then and see how you feel.

Practice mindfulness

I know, I know welcome to another blog that preaches about mindfulness. Gets old after a while, huh? BUT THERE IS A REASON EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

Mindfulness is a therapeutic technique that refers to a nonjudgmental observation or awareness that is focused on the present experience. It has been proven to reduce rumination, stress and emotional reactivity and boost the working memory, focus and relationship satisfaction. Some simple ways to tap into mindfulness today are: body scans, guided meditations, or an app.

These above-mentioned steps on how to conquer your #FOMO will help you enjoy what you are doing in the here and now, and not be hyper focused on what else you could be doing.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC

Shannon Gonter 2/4/19 Shannon Gonter 2/4/19

5 Ways To Stop Yourself Before Falling Into The Trap of Jealousy

Do you ever feel like you are completely failing at this whole “don’t compare yourself to others” thing?!

Though this is a ridiculously posed picture, I really like the stated message. In my opinion, a more accurate picture would be 6 macarons (minimum), no leaves (I mean c’mon, why are they even there?!), maybe a plate (but if we are being honest…no plate), a glass of milk (nom), a couch and Netflix (yasss). Okay, sorry, back to the message.

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS.

Well ain’t that the darn truth. But honestly, easier said than done. Enjoying the little things in a world that is so focused on the external, on the new, on the go, and on to better things even though what you have in front of you is so damn good, is really hard to do.

What makes it even harder is how difficult it is to have things in your life that you do treasure and not posting them on social media (because we all know that social media cycle oh so well).

Okay so imagine this, you’re on a wonderful vacation with your family (honestly having a blast and treasuring all the little things in life) but then you get some down time and start scrolling through your feed. You see Sally’s picture of a gift her boyfriend got her and how lucky she is to have him in her life, Allen posts a photo at the bar with his buds (having a blast), and you see all sorts of random people’s engagements photos. Then you start to think I wonder what they think I am doing right now…they probably don’t think I am doing anything, but why should I even care about that because I am doing something and making memories with my family and then…

BAM!

Next thing you know you post a picture of your beautiful family on vacation with an oh so clever caption and emoji combination and start reeling in the likes.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I love social media and think it serves more good in the world than not, but I question the motives behind posts sometimes.

Do you ever feel like you are completely failing at this whole “don’t compare yourself to others” thing?!

It’s kind of a sneaky thing and none of us intend to fall into its trap. But we do. We all have difficulties brushing off those uncomfortable feelings when they arise. Sometimes that quick scroll through Instagram can leave us feeling jealous and feeling less satisfied with our lives.

If you feel like you are struggling with this, keep reading, because I have some tips for you to stop yourself before falling face first into the trap.

Tip 1- Notice your thoughts

Take note of your thoughts, more importantly your automatic thoughts. For example, when your scrolling (and mindlessly liking things) and thinking “I wish I had more money to travel like Jim”, or “I’ll never get as many likes as him”, or “How did she afford that? We make the same and I can’t buy that”. By taking note, and maybe even writing these thoughts down (to see how ridiculous they are) you will then be able to confront the thoughts and start working through them.

Tip 2- Acknowledge your beliefs

As you review your automatic thoughts, look deeper into what meanings are attached to them. For example, “no one ever likes or comments on my selfies, that must mean I am ugly”. Deeper meaning here- maybe you are (or have been for a while) struggling with self-confidence surrounding your appearance and need to do some self-care and acceptance around that topic.

Tip 3- Find the trap

Beware! Heads up and don’t fall into the trap! Unhelpful thoughts almost always stop us in our tracks. Some of the most common ones are: jumping to conclusions, black and white thinking, predicting the future, what if scenarios, assuming you are a mind reader, overgeneralizing, focusing on the negatives etc.

Tip 4- Evidence

Refer back to step 2 and see what factual evidence (like real facts, not distorted belief patterns) supports or refutes your unhelpful thoughts. Usually there aren’t a lot of factual evidence (usually a lot of distorted beliefs that we have convinced ourselves are facts) in these situations, so let’s keep on moving to the next step.

Tip 5- Reframe

Consider an alternate lens and look at your thoughts in another way. Challenge your beliefs and other aspects of the current frame. Some examples are: a weakness is now a strength, a distant possibility as a near possibility, unkindness as a lack of understanding, a problem as an opportunity, etc.

Next time you find yourself impulsively posting on social media or falling prey to one of these thought traps be curious about it and take the time to explore and honor your thoughts. The more time you spend embracing the uncomfortable through the abovementioned process, you will be able to move beyond the comparison game and truly be able to enjoy the little things in life.

Written by: Shannon Gonter, LPCC, NCC